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Wheel of Time Humor

This page contains a compilation of WoT jokes I found scattered around the Web.
I consider all jokes to be in the public domain unless contacted by the original author.


[ Lightbulb Jokes ] [ Top Ten Lists ] [ You Might Be Addicted To WoT If... ]
[ Misc. WoT Humor ]


If you'd like to submit items for the humor section, feel free to email us
your submission at WoTopia and we'll put them up
after they've been reviewed.



Lightbulb Jokes

How many Tinkers does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't. Tinkers wait for the sun to rise.

How many Aiel does it take to change a light bulb?
Aiel don't know how to change light bulbs.

How many Forsaken does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Forsakens like it in the dark.

How many Aes Sedai does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but she makes 10 other people think they want to do it for her.

How many Two Rivers folks does it take to change a lightbulb?
About 20. Everyone on the Villiage Council will insist that he should take part of the responsibility,so it will take them a long time to find the right person to do it. Meanwhile, the Women's Council will be debating which brand of lightbulb they should install, comparing unit prices and MTBF ratings. The plans of the two groups will ultimately conflict, leading to much use of names like "stubborn" and "woolhead".

How many Whitecloaks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to change it, and three to hunt down the darkfriend who let it burn out.

How many ta'averen does it take to change a lightbulb?
One; s/he holds the bulb aloft and the world turns about him/her.

How many Ogier does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but it'll take them six months to decide who
should leave the stedding to go purchase it.

How many Aiel does it take to change a light bulb?
There's more ji in finding ones way in the the dark.

So, how many [color] ajah *does* it take to screw in a light bulb?
Blue: Three; one to change the bulb and one to confuse the issue.
Brown: Three; one to look up the previous references, one to compile an index, and one to record how it gets done... by another ajah.
Green: One, plus a warder to screw with.
Grey: "Well, how many do you think it should take?"
Red: "That's not funny, burn you!"
White: [Pauses, goes to change a light bulb, returns.] "One."
Yellow: Three; one to change the bulb, one to learn how it died, and one to try heal the dead one *anyway*.
Black: Two; one to change the bulb, and the other to secretly change it back.

How many Black Ajah does it take to change a light bulb?
a) It doesn't matter, you're still going to find yourself in the Dark.
b) Three. One to do it, one to be a witness, one to kill the witness
c) Fourteen. One to do it, thirteen to get thirteen Fades and change it back to the Dark.

How many Yellow Ajah does it take to change a light bulb?
None. You can't Heal the dead.

How many White Ajah does it take to change a light bulb?
"But how can you be sure the bulb is dead in the first place, when we only have the evidence of our senses for this?"

How many Brown Ajah does it take to change a light bulb?
Lots; to study an obvious artifact from the Age of Legends.

How many Green Ajah does it take to change a light bulb?
One: to get the warders to do it.

How many Grey Ajah does it take to change a light bulb?
about 10: so they can dicuss the effects of the absense of light in such dark times.

How many Red Ajah does it take to change a light bulb?
Two; one to change it; and one to curse men for not making them last longer.


Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Reasons Why WoT is Better Then Men!

10) Women actually have power and influence in society without having to take their tops off.
  9) When the cover falls off, you can buy a new copy.
  8) Tel'aran'rhiod has some interesting implications for realizing daydreams.
  7) When the book starts whining, you can legally smack the crap out of it.
  6) Two words: Marriage Knife.
  5) While waiting for the next installment, you can read other books without WoT complaining
       about it.
  4) WoT is there to please you, no matter what time of the month it is.
  3) The art of the Sniff.
  2) Good girls like bad boys. (go Mat!)
  1) When you're done with it, it goes on a shelf.

 

Top Ten Places Moiraine Might Have Been at the Bginning of "The Great Hunt"

10) At a Tupperware party
  9) Went to an all-you-can-eat restaurant, wanted to get money's worth
  8) Went to take a leak and got lost
  7) Visiting her secret lover
  6) Used OP to turn invisble while playing hide-n-seek, everyone gave up on her
  5) Captured and questioned by Semhirage, then impersonated by her
  4) Tied up as a sex-slave in Lan's room
  3) Waiting in line for Bulls tickets
  2) At a Darkfriend Social, drinking tequila and talking about Novak
  1) Robert Jordan simply forgot to include her in first few chapters.


You Might be Addicted To WoT If...

You Might Be Addicted To WoT If...

... you accuse that Tolkien guy of ripping off The Eye of the World.
... you ever think with the hair on your chest. (males only)
... you have a "Whitecloaks Suck!" bumper sticker on your car.
... your Web server's name is "saidin."
... you have ever said "Blood and bloody ashes!"
... while checking in at the Motel 6 you offer to juggle and play a flute in the bar in return for a
    room and some food.
... you refer to chopsticks as "sursa" or coffee as "kaf."
... you have ever "sniffed." (females only)
... your laptop's name is "gholam."
... you have ever tried to channel the One Power.
... you have ever commented that someone has "well turned calves."
... you have named your "sword that is not a sword" Callandor.
... you get a dog and name it Hopper.
... you dream that you are in Tel’aran’rhiod.
... the worst insult you can think of to call someone is a goat-kissing Trolloc.
... you have ever said "The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills..." to a friend who was complaining.
... you call your chair the Amyrlin Seat.
... you call your posterior the Amyrlin Seat.
... you have ever played Foxes and Snakes.
... you walk into the local bookstore and are told immediately upon entering, "No, it’s not here
    yet."
... you have ever called someone a "woolhead."
... you have ever scratched the Dragon’s Fang into a neighbor’s door.
... you would do better on a geographic pop quiz of Randland than your home country.
... you get angry when people don't understand your obscure WoT references.
... you maintain a huge website related to WoT.
... you wonder if Pokemon can channel.
... you talk to wolves in the zoo and expect them to answer you.
... the wolves do answer you.
... your significant other had their name legally changed to a WoT name so they can finally get a
    little attention.
... you have taken the Three Oaths.
... you claim to speak two languages - the other being the Old Tongue.
... you blow every horn you can find, hoping one will be the Horn of Valere.
... you have Robert Jordan’s DNA and a cloning machine, just in case.
... you refuse to stay at a hotel if the manager is skinny.
... you were amazed at how busy the Illuminators must have been last New Year.
... you keep an axe and a hammer under your bed and wake up every morning wondering which
    you should choose.
... you have reserved space in your bookcase for eight or nine more WoT books, just to be sure
    you have left enough room.
... you refer to police officers as thiefcatchers.
... you quote WoT in everyday conversation.
... you dream of being tied to the Wheel, to be spun out time and time again.
... you refer to your in-laws as "the Forsaken."
... you can quote page numbers for your favorite WoT theories without opening the books.
... you post so often on WoT message boards that your friends and family have to respond to your
    messages to get your attention.
... your last history term paper mentioned the Age of Legends.
... the last time you felt your skin tingle, you looked around to see who was channeling.
... you blame your teenage son for natural disasters because you believe the he can channel.
... you have an old kitchen knife you claim came from Shadar Logoth.
... you quit school to go train at Tar Valon. (females only)
... you frequently call the Pentagon to warn about impending Seanchan invasions.
... while most people report sightings of Elvis, you could have sworn you saw Artur Hawkwing at
    K-Mart last night.
... you refer to nonsense as "Coplin talk."
... you choose to sheath the sword upon learning of a pop quiz in your calculus class.
... you make sure your will is in order every night before going to sleep, just in case.
... your car is named "Bela."
... when reading Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar" you cannot help but wonder if "Let Slip the Dogs
    of War" is referring to the Wild Hunt.
... you enter a Ter'angreal into the Science Fair.
... you refer to your professors as "The Forsaken."
... you refuse to speak the name of the Dean, believing that it will call down great evil upon you.
... you scrawled the Dragon's Fang on the door to the cafeteria.
... you dream of a man with fire for eyes and wake up with strange marks on your body.
... you spend hours at music stores, not sure which song you are trying to find.
... YOU TRY TO TALK IN ALL CAPITALS.
... you think the girl/guy you sit next to in history class is Lanfear/Rahvin.
... you pledge a sorrority, and pretend you're a novice.
... you speak to your friends in the Old Tongue when you don't want anyone else to know what
    you're saying.
... you strongly consider naming your first born son Rand.
... you start howling at the moon and telling anyone who inquires that you are a
    "wolfbrother/sister".
... the words figs and mice come up when you are trying to threaten someone.
... you sit around and think about what Ajah all your friends would be.
... you do stuff that scares you on purpose "in case I'm ever tested for Accepted".
... you call your rifle a shock lance.
... you concentrate on everything when you enter a room to make sure there are no gray men.
... you mumble "Bloody Daes Dae'mar" during every political event on television.
... you are intent on naming at least one of your children after a book charachter.
... your drunk buddy says "Come on, I'll drive," and the FLAMING DICE START SPINNING
    IN YOUR HEAD!
... at night you tell your friends the story of the destruction of Manetheren.
... you refuse to buy a new dresser because you can't find one made of sung wood.
... you measure things in hides.
... you secretly practice the sword forms, even though you don't know what they look like, with a
    broomstick.
... Artur Hawking appears on PBS, and you start yelling, 'The Return is coming! The Return is
    coming!"
... on questionnaires, when asked for you age, you give the date you got your sword.
... you order a double oosquai on the rocks at the local bar.
... you ask your wife or girlfriend if she would like to have a sister-wife.
... Pizza Hut has to continually remind you that they do not offer ice peppers as a topping.
... You ask every girl you go out with if she's the Daughter of the Nine Moons.
... she says yes and, after tying and gagging her, tell everyone you're married to her.
... You like to call your boyfriend "My little duckling."


Misc. Humor

The Dark Prophecy Computer Virus

Daughter of the Net, she surfs again.
The ancient flamewar, she yet fights.
A new browser she seeks, that can serve her and crash, yet serve still.
What can stand against her hacking?
The firewall shall kneel.
Lag calls lag.
Lag feeds lag.
Lag is, and lag was, and lag shall ever be.

The man who e-mails stands alone.
He gives his passwords for sacrifice.
Two links before him, one to accurate information, the other to the Great Hoax.
Which shall he choose? Which shall he choose?
What page speaks truth? What page lies?
Lag calls lag.
Lag feeds lag.
Lag is, and lag was, and lag shall ever be.

"Luc" posted in the Jordan newsgroup.
"Isam" lurked in the World-Wide Ways.
The debate is now begun. The Texas Darkfriends rage and flame.
One did crash and one did not, but both post.
"A Crown of Swords" has come.
Lag calls lag.
Lag feeds lag.
Lag is, and lag was, and lag shall ever be.

The Wizards wait on AngrealMOO.
The e-mail virus rends the ancient web.
Delays shall sow, and posters flame, before the next book comes.
Delays shall reap, and fandom wane, before the next book comes.
Again the FAQs get answers wrong, before the next book comes.
System failure imminient!
System failure imminient!

Lag calls lag.
Lag feeds lag.
Lag is, and lag was, and lag shall ever be.
System failure immi>
*&^(*&%%^&%&*$%^#$%#%$$(&)^&)^&(%^%^&$%^$^*%)(*&)}
Your system has been infected by the Great Lord of the Dark computer virus.
All applications have been tainted.
All data files will be corrupted.
Have a nice day!

Wheel of Time Drinking Game

*WARNING*

This game is not for the faint at heart, or liver. For seasoned alcoholics only, or at the _very_ least, alcoholics in training. Comments, additions welcome.

Directions: Get a group of RJ fans together. Assemble a large quantity of alcoholic beverages. Take turns reading passages (dealer's choice) from a book aloud. Note: beer or wine is recommended. Hard liquor should only be used in mixed drinks.
Shots will have you on the floor rather quickly.

Drink a sip if:

o Rand channels.
o Mat has a 'luck' episode.
o Perrin talks to wolves.
o Nynaeve gets angry and/or tugs her braid.
o Egwene thinks Rand is getting too big for his britches.
o Elayne acts like a spoiled princess.
o Min sees a vision.
o Aviendha talks/thinks about 'ji', 'toh', or dancing the spears.
o Moiraine manipulates someone.
o Lan's face appears to be 'carved from stone' or the like.
o Thom juggles or tells a story.
o Ishamael appears in a dream.
o Lanfear talks about power or glory.
o Fain giggles, froths, or otherwise demonstrates his ample madness.
o Faile is annoying.
o Loial mentions a book (two sips if it's his book).
o Berelain appears in some skimpy outfit.
o Gawyn worries about Eg/El.
o Galad shows his 'goodness'.
o Bela is mentioned!
o any male character thinks about how so-and-so is better with women.
o any male character acts chivalrous/macho towards a woman.
o any female character sniffs.
o any female character futzes with her skirt.
o any female character's neckline swoops in T'A'R.
o any female character "folds her arms beneath her breasts".
o any female character thinks about a man's nice 'shoulders'.
o any main character kills a Shadowspawn.
o a sword form is mentioned.
o someone uses the Old Tongue.
o something about Seanchan culture is revealed.

Drink a gulp if:

o Rand shows his madness seeping through.
o Mat actually accepts responsibility in some way.
o Perrin demonstrates his naivete.
o Nynaeve faces off against Moghedien.
o Egwene talks/thinks about being an AS/WO/Amyrlin.
o Elayne hits on Thom.
o Elayne makes a ter'angreal.
o Min calls Rand 'sheepherder' or refers to his rustic background.
o Aviendha chases off some woman out to seduce Rand.
o any AS acts imperious/arrogant.
o someone uses a *'angreal.
o something about Ogier mating or courtship rituals is revealed (two gulps if it's about something
   incredibly racy, like _ears_).
o a Seal gets broken.
o someone uses the Ways.
o someone uses a Portal Stone.
o we see someone deal with the *'finn.
o the Shadar Logoth dagger gets lost or acquired.
o Bela is mentioned!
o one of the main characters kills a _human_ (chug if the victim is another main character).
o one of the main characters has MPS with a minor character.
o Tam discovers his son is the Dragon Reborn (two gulps if he knew all along).
o we find out who killed Asmodean (chug if it's someone that _no_one_ has ever suggested).
o we find out who sent the gholam to kill Fel.
o we find out either Moiraine or Lanfear is still alive (chug if we discover they're really dead).
o we read something in ALL CAPS.
o we learn something about Shara.

Chug if:

o Rand goes barking mad and injures/kills a loved one.
o Rand ends up marrying all three of Av/El/Min.
o Mat loses an eye.
o Perrin starts treating Faile as a 'good Saldaean husband' should.
o Nynaeve breaks her block.
o Olver turns out to be Gaidal Cain.
o Taim turns out to be Demandred.
o Logain draws Callandor.
o Moiraine and Thom get married.
o we see Machin Shin 'get' someone.
o we ever meet Jain(m) Farstrider.
o the Horn of Valere is blown.
o Bela is mentioned (OK, maybe that's getting to be a bit much)!
o a Forsaken gets offed (chug twice if a Forsaken gets resurrected)
   (note this is cumulative with the gulp for killing a human).
o one of the main characters has sex with another main character.
o Galad and Rand have a 'showdown at the OK Corral' type scene.
o Aludra's matches are used against the *'finn.
o RJ ever makes a significant reference to a 'badger' (drink everything in sight if 'badger' turns out
   to be a euphemism for a piece of the male anatomy).

Drink everything in sight if:

o Rand _kills_ the DO.
o Rand dies, and stays dead.
o Rand has a menage with any/all of Aviendha/Elayne/Min/Lanfear.
o Mat's DotNM turns out to be Berelain.
o Mat betrays Rand.
o Perrin decides to ditch Faile and take up with Berelain instead.
o Perrin goes nuts and loses himself to the wolf side.
o Nynaeve loses her block by cutting off her braid.
o Nynaeve resurrects the dead.
o Egwene marries _both_ Galad and Gawyn.
o Elayne bonds Rand as a warder against his will.
o Min turns out to have been a hooker in a Mountain o' Mist brothel.
o Aviendha 'teaches Rand how to sing'.
o Fain ever refers to Shadar Logoth as 'my precious'.
o anyone ever mentions a _seven_ ball circle or shower.
o firearms are ever invented in Randland.
o a main character complains how 'BOSSY' all of the females are.
o Loial turns out to be gay and/or a pedophile.
o Thom can channel.
o Mat is not actually reliving past lives, but is insane.
o Bela turns out to be the Creator's avatar.
o Aviendha turns out to be Ilyena reborn.
o Someone from our modern-day Earth ever shows up in Randland...then go out and buy more
   booze...then promptly toss all your WoT books in the nearest trashcan.
o You actually end up _playing_ this game sometime.



2001 WoTopia

The content of these pages is copyrighted by
Ken Bartrum. All references to The Wheel of Time are copyrighted by Tor Books and Robert Jordan.